The Clack Attacks.....

2006. It'll be great...

2006-01-02T00:31:00.000Z

Firstly, happy 2006 to all clack attack addicts. I think i might just call you clackaddicts from now on, although i don't promise the excitement that telly addicts used to provide. but i will try my best.

I had 5 invites for new years eve, which is some kind of record, and at one point had thought about trying to get to at least three of them, but then i decided i was in a crap mood, and therefore went for my most low key option and stayed there. So 2006 arrived (well, at least in the world of tim) accompanied by Jools Holland's Hootenanny, Twister (which i won, and any claims that i cheated by sitting on people are clearly false, i mean, everyone knows that the best form of defence is attack), budweiser and cheap and not very nice cava . This was done in the company of a select few of exciting indiviuals who i love dearly (and assorted sisters that i hadn't met before, but for the purposes of this post i love them dearly too). Namely Kirsty, Adam, Rachel, Louise, Little Kirsty and Little Laura. It was nice. And then i had to get up to play guitar at an alarmingly busy church this morning (clearly not enough was being drunk last night), although unfortunately noone seemed to notice the incidental music being played as people were praying at the end, which thinking about it is probably a good thing cos i'd have got told off for messing around otherwise. (Kid's song 'All Around The World' is almost identical to 'Auld Lang Syne'. Fact.)

In my rather bored tired and depressed state of the last few days (i am feeling very much like i need to escape south london for a bit, but luckily i only have a week before i go to north wales, which is going to be great) i've been thinking a lot about the year to come, and what its going to hold for the clack attack. and its going to be an interesting one. Using my top crystal ball skills, I have come up with the following exciting 'almanac' for the next year, which will be posted in parts over the next few days. I'll judge its accuracy at the end of the year....

JANUARY...

...starts in an exciting manner, as i have my first real proper job interview in months (its this friday). South West Trains immediatly see that i am a glutton for punishment, and appoint me with no real questions asked to the post of 'revenue protection assistant' at and around Wimbledon. By the end of the month i have perfected my 'tickets please' announcement, and am giving out penalty fares left right and centre. Clearly a promotion is on the cards.

The 2006 wife hunt also starts in earnest at the YFC staff conference in north wales, where i meet the future wife of my dreams (scoring full marks on the Jon Brook test, as she can cook, clean and dance). For the purposes of this post she is called Doris (crystal balls arent very exact) and she happens to also be looking for a husband, preferably a part time ticket inspector in his early 20's. She lives in North East Scotland, but oh well, you can't have everything and I don't see it as a big problem as within 3 days we have discovered that we are clearly very much in love.

FEBRUARY...

... is a thrilling time for me. The effects of global warming are felt big time in London, where for most of them month we are under 3 feet of snow. This means no trains can run, and i get paid for not doing anything for an entire month. i decide to go visit Doris in north east scotland, and she teaches me to ski, which is the kind of thing that only happens when you are very much in love. My skiing ability is a revelation, and within 3 days I am good enough to be picked for the Olympic team, and spend the second half of the month in Turin winning 3 gold medals at the winter olympics. Rumours abound that this is only because i manage to mortally wound all the other competitors in a game of twister the night before, and although i am briefly disqualified, i protest to the olympic comittee that 'everyone knows that the best form of defence is attack' and am quickly reinstated. I fly home with my medals before anyone spots the motors on the back of my skis. At soon as i arrive home i melt down the medals and send them to DNA, which nearly pays off my fees from last year.

MARCH...

... quickly sees a return to reality, because although i may be 3 time olympic champion, noone will actually care about skiing again till next year, so i return to the day job of getting abuse from the ticketless teenagers of South West London.

Most importantly, March brings with it a weekend of festivities to celebrate the fact that i have somehow lived to the age of 21. This includes a DNA reunion (not strictly a birthday celebration, but its the day before so it becomes one anyway) and the excitement of 'TimIs21Vent' (where all the best young bands in Kingston get too drunk to play and i end up doing 3 hours of Pirate Fiasco classics. Which involves playing the same songs 12 times). We also go banger racing, where i am delighted to find that as a present i have been entered into the plough lane classic race in my dads old rover. I don't let the fact that the closest i have ever got to driving a real car is on Gran Turismo 2 on the playstation worry me, and i storm to victory, and am proclaimed the most talented young racer on the planet today. However, in the destruction derby at the end of the meeting i am involved in a nasty head on collision with a ford granada, and break both my legs. Which in a way is lucky, as it puts me on sick leave for 4 months and there is no way that i would have passed an alcohol screening on the monday morning after my 21st birthday.

Not a bad start to the year, i think you'll find. but its about to get weird.... Goodnight.

So, what is the worlds greatest sport?

2005-12-29T11:53:00.000Z

This is a question that i have spent many many hours pondering over. Many of you would agrue that it's football. And i guess that its quite a spectacle, but on a more basic level, its just a lot of people getting excited about 22 men kicking round a bit of leather as part of an odd male bonding ritual. Rugby is just a more complex version of this, so must be discounted too.

I would have formerly always have argued the corner of F1 racing, truely the pinnacle of high octane sport, man and machine fighting on the racetrack, but thats got dull recently.

So then maybe cricket? It was great this summer. But 5 days is a bit long for anything.

But then on Boxing Day I discovered the real answer. For there is truely no greater spectacle than watching old vans/ambulances and the odd mr whippy van smashing the hell out of each other in the name of sport.

Yes, thats right, i give you BIG VAN BANGERS!

For the uninitiated amongst you, banger racing is a sport which kind of does exactly what it says on the tin. It involves getting 30 odd beaten up old cars, taking all the glass/seats etc out, putting a roll cage in, painting them pretty colours and 'racing' them, round a 1/4 mile oval, doing whatever you can to get to the ginish line first, which often involves, spinning, pushing, smashing the other cars out of the way, and if you can get them completely mangled in the barrier so that they cant start moving again, even better. Big Van bangers is almost identical, but with Big Vans. And big vans make bigger crashes, as they tend to start looking like this:

and end up looking like this:

or, in the case of poor Mr Whippy, this:

(he eventually lost all his bodywork, but still kept trundling round. legend.)

And, of course, the afternoon ends with a destruction derby, in which every van that still moves gets out on the track, and the last one moving is declared the winner. The van equivilent of a boxing match. You couldn't get better entertainment if you tried.

It was well worth freezing my butt off in the stands for. We're going again on my birthday (although its cars, not vans) and everyones invited.

Merry almost new year!

Bah Humbug....

2005-12-26T00:50:00.000Z

Well... that was christmas then. And what a suitably good non-event it was. Which made it one of the best Christmases in ages.

It all started with the traditional family (of sorts, as sister was replaced by step-mum-to-be) trip to the cinema yesterday afternoon. Due to the fact that half of us had already seen Narnia, we opted for King Kong . Which was a bit silly. and long. and had too many bugs. and will get its own review post tomorrow i expect.

We were too poor to follow it with the traditional family takeaway this year, so opted for stuff from the hamper we got from our grandparents and 'upwords' as pre midnight communion entertainment. I lost miserably, but i had at least 5 vowels for the entire game, which means it wasnt my fault.

Jon Brook and I then made our way to St Matthews to see in christmas in the traditional style by singing obscure carols, drinking blood and hearing a sermon by my friendly local vicar about how glowsticks work.

I woke up in time to go to mums for croissants and presents (including a couple of dvds and some jaffa cakes) before visiting christ church for more obscure carol singing with another friendly local vicar who i can't find a picture of.

The it was off to eat turkey with my sister, brother and dad. . I also collected a peace offering of a cd during this escapade.

I then decided i couldnt be arsed with being sociable and stuff, and was too tired, grumpy, and still trying to avoid the fact that its christmas (this post may make you think otherwise, but im not exactly a fan of the whole affair) so (this is the bit i was most proud of) i went home, slobbed out in front of the telly, watched myself at a Franz Ferdinand gig on a dvd i was given, along with endless episodes of rock profile from when david walliams and matt lucas were really funny. I wrote a song, hid in my room and pretended it wasn't christmas. and really enjoyed myself. it was great.

and tomorrow i go see Big Van Bangers with mum and jon brook (but not laura or adam, dunno how they sneaked in). It'll be great too.

Finally, on a more serious note, i have failed in my husband duty of saying merry christmas to my wife today. so wife, merry christmas, and i dedicate this entire post to you. that is your christmas present for this year, and also the next 5. so appreciate it, dammit....

Tonight I have mainly been...

2005-12-17T00:34:00.000Z

...being Liam Gallagher, as part of Oasis with a certain brother of mine

Merry f*****g christmas one and all...

and on a lighter note... some reviews

2005-12-16T01:44:00.000Z

I am a deeply deeply musical man, and also a hugely opinionated boy, so from time to time i will let you all know my thoughts on the things that i have recently purchased that i feel will make your life better, or in some cases worse. If you ever feel like you want to check out what stuff I am mainly listening to at the moment, do check out my last.fm station, where you will be able to see charts of what it is i'm listening to, and by downloading the last.fm player you will be able to hear a radio station esque playlist of things i listen to. It'll wile away the long evenings. Anyway, i have recently purchased two highly recommended albums, and i feel you should do the same if you want to brighten your life.

My first excitable purchase of the last few weeks has been 'Harmonies for the Haunted' by 'Stellastarr*' (the * is part of the name). Stellastarr* are a New York 4 piece (with a particularly gorgeous bass player who will one day be my rock star wife) who i first fell in love with back in the depths of 2003 when they spent about 2 weeks occupying the NME's next big thing slot, before being overtaken by The Killers and their ilk. Their self titled debut album is one of my all time favourites, mixing the excitement of the smiths, the ever so slightly creepiness of The Cure and Joy Division and the pop hooks and sensibilities of all the best bits of Pulp. They make a great live band, and with past supports at gigs i'd been at including 'The Killers' and 'The Subways' they clearly have good taste too.

Harmonies for the Haunted, if i'm being honest, dissapointed me a little on its first play after it dropped on the doormat, having been imported from the states at a bargain price thanks to the lovely people at amazon marketplace. The straight up pop hooks weren't quite as obvious as they had once been, and the producer clearly liked drums too much. But i listened more. And then i listened again. And suddenly wow! All the different bits of cleverness merged together and i suddenly fell in love with them all over again. The subtleties revealed clever, catchy tunes (amidst all the joy division gloominess, i'd suggest they go listen to mcfly and cheer themselves up before the next album), and 'Love and Longing' became my favourite song in the world ever for at least a week, which is in longer than most manage. Its an album that takes the current indie dance craze (think The Killers, The Bravery, Maximo Park), twists in some edge-esque guitar riffs, Robert Smith vocals, a good smattering of heartbreak, some vocal cleverness and a good bit of vocal cleverness, and appears as a probable indie cult classic. Well, at least an indie cult classic in the house of Tim Clack. Its not released here till February, but if anyone wants to come see them at a gig with me bring your dancing shoes and we'll have a boogie.

Secondly, let me introduce you to We Are Scientists, who have one of the funniest band websites going, and have also produced the fantastic debut album 'With Love and Squalor'. A band of 3 New York mis-fits with particularly odd sense of humour, they create music to dance to, and sing along with, using a process that they have christened 'Advance High Level Sectional Articulation' (if you are thinking 'wtf', read the website...). There not doing anything particularly original, fitting in somewhere between weezer, the killers and the smiths, but they have written some of the cleverest, wittest and downright catchy songs i've heard in a long long time. I'm a particular fan of 'Nobody Moves, Nobody Gets Hurt', 'The Great Escape', 'Lousy Reputation' and 'Cash Cow'. Its out over here already, and they will hopefully be propelled into the mainstream by their slot alongside Maximo Park (who i like) and Arctic Monkeys (who appear to be overrated tripe) on the NME tour in February, which i will be attending at the wonderful Bristol Academy. You can hear some snipits on my last.fm page i expect, but i would suggest it woudl make a worthy late addition to your christmas list.

Goodnight

Quote of the day... (and thoughts on Narnia)

2005-12-16T01:13:00.000Z

Time for a late night ramble...

"Bottom line: Anyone looking for similarities between Narnia and Christianity is clearly unable to enjoy the simple pleasures of a lion being tortured without spoiling all the fun by reading something into it."

So, this Narnia malarky....

It would appear that I am the only (christian) person who has seen it and doesnt seem to think it was that great. This may have partly been due to the fact that I had 14 vaguely disinterested young people from church in tow (youth group trips to the cinema on the day of the premier are an interesting concept, and maybe not one i would repeat too often), but i just didn't think it was as great as it could have been.

The scenery was all very nice, if ripped straight out of lord of the rings, and at least they found kids that could act (unlike the harry potter films), but it just left me a bit empty. Aslan should have been more fierce (if you have read the books you will remember that 'he isn't a tame lion', and you tend to get the opposite impression from the film. Probably bad animatronics or something), and the film just kinda felt like it died. There was, in my critical opinion, no real sense of climax to it. Which was odd and dissapointing.

I'm also not too keen on the christian bandwagon jumping thats going on with it. Of course its an allegorical story, a very obvious one, but it seems so overplayed that it kinda helped wreck the film for me. It was very much 'oh, so Aslan's Jesus then? thats nice. it was too obvious, nothing to think about, and will therefore have no lasting effect in anyones mind. I didn't find it particularly moving, and from a film buff point of view it just made it a not terribly convincing take on the old 'good vs evil, evil nearly wins, not very subtle twist and its all happily ever after' tale. Christians, however, seem to think its going to be the best evangelistic tool since the alpha course, but unfortunately it isn't. its just an average christmas family film that rips off huge chunks of the bible.

Top Athiest Polly Toynbee makes some great points in a fascinating article which can be found here on the Greenbelt website, and i found myself agreeing with far too much of it to be healthy if you're a middle class christian. The bit i found most interesting was her comments on what kind of 'Jesus' the film is actually trying to portray. However i'm not going to paraphrase it here cos i'd just do it badly. But if you want to read it its above. And then if you want to be a hardline evangelical, slagging off my backslidden ways do feel free to post a comment :-). I just think its not all its cracked up to be, really, this whole Narnia lark.

So yeah, thats my none-sensical and badly ordered two cents for today. It is late and stuff. And tomorrow i have to dress up as Liam Gallagher and cause a riot at the Oxygen Christmas party. Will be as much fun as you can have on two legs and a walking stick i'm sure. Still no job. Still no wife. Any other news isn't worth telling

Night all

Tim the christmas tree xx

(do you like the hat Paul? it was an addition from last year....)

A weekend on the other side of the world...

2005-09-14T15:23:00.000Z

I spent the weekend on the other side of the world. Or at least the other side of the world if you live on the opposite side of the world to Bromsberrow Heath, near Ledbury, which i don't, but you might do. It was kind of the real end to my DNA year, and involved taking 43 18 - 30 year olds to a farm and having a weekend of fun. I learnt the following:

When the M25 is flooded, Ledbury really does seem like the other side of the world
Ultimate Frisbee is a great indoor sport, and if there was a national league i reckon the community church, surbiton would have a good chance. There were some truly inspired low passes going on.
You shouldn't make bonfires too big, cos its takes forever for them to go out, and then they start setting fire to the bits of wood that you're meant to sit on and then you end up making a mess of your shoes by kicking logs out the way and trying to put fires out and so on and so forth.
Short people are lucky. They can fit on to 6 foot beds that have big bits of wood at each end and wobble lots.
If you're going to eat a polar bear, its best to cook it with its fur on.
Point 6 is a lie. I did talk about polar ebars, but i've never actually eaten one. I only say this as i believe that some people who read this may be a little bit gullable.

It was a good weekend, but if i told you what had actually gone on you'd probably be interested, and i can't have that....

I like cricket.

Amuse yourself while I am away...

2005-09-09T10:36:00.000Z

...by playing STICK CRICKET! Its the best internet game ever, in my humble opinion.

You can also amuse yourself with more cricket related fun by playing CORK and BOWLED!

Anything over 3000 is good.

Enjoy your weekends!

I havent updated this in flipping ages...

2005-09-08T19:03:00.000Z

I've done a lot of things since my first, and so far only, post. One of which, funnily enough, was a 'panel discussion' on blogging. One of the bits of advice they had was that if you were keeping a blog to make sure you do it regularly and instill a bit of discipline to it. That was almost 2 weeks ago. Ho hum. I'll try harder.

To save lots of writing, ill use pictures, consdering they apparently save a thousand words or something. This is what i have done since i last posted.

I have been to and dressed up like this:

I am also wearing a skirt and cut off tights thats you can't see in this photo. We we're going to some goth worship. It makes sense if you think about it....

I have also finished DNA, via Burton Hospital. Which is a bit of a rubbish hospital. And it looks like this:

(You really can find anything on the internet)

After this, i went camping in the peak district. It was gorgeous.

And now i'm finding a job.

And organising a weekend away for 18 - 30 year olds in my church. Which starts tomorrow. It should be good. But still, tomorrow?? Eeeek.

So yeah, thats been my life. Its all been a little bit surreal, if i'm being honest. I've been on a mix of weird arse pills (anti-justabouteverythings) and it has left me feeling constantly stoned, which, if you've ever been naughty enough to know what that feels like, is pretty annoying. So instead of being all emotional that i was finishing the course i'd been doing for 11 months, and satying bye to all those people, it kinda just passed me by in a blur. But for those of you taht read this, i really do miss you, and i'll try to keep you updated on my life.

But this evening things have improved, methinks. I've sorted out a few things with important people in my life, and hey, the futures bright, the futures purple, as they say.

And then there was the football. That was hilarious. I know i'm english and everything, but you just had to laugh. We're dull to watch, can't play for toffee and are basically vastly overrated. So woooo go Ireland.

Anyway, you're updated. I'm going away, but i will try and follow strange lady at greenbelts advice and keep this thing updated. And i when i get back i will indeed keep you updated on the important issues of the day. Like cricket, america, and is the new manic street preachers song any good. And i promise not too many depressing insights into my life like today cos really there a little bit dull and theres more important stuff to talk about...

I thank you, and goodnight.

(Ps, new Elbow and Stellastarr albums are out on monday (although stellastarr only on import). Both will make your life better.)

Aha! A Blog! Take That Windo and Mole!

2005-08-07T20:00:00.000Z

You thought i'd never do it didn't you???? Well i have!

Due to excessive public demand (from Paul and Pete) and the fact that my blog did look a little lonely having been here for 3 months without a post, i thought i might as well start it....

Although thinking about it, it's quite difficult to start. Do i tell you who i am if you just happened to have come across this slightly obscure URL and have too much time on your hands and are nosey? Do i share my innermost secrets about, erm, stuff? Or do i just talk about cricket?

Well it was good wasn't it? Although i do have twangs of guilt about missing church so i could lie in bed and watch people smash a bit of leather around a field. But hey i'd have been late anyway. Would have been a bit of a bummer if we'd lost though... Anyway, I no longer have to get annoyed with commentators talking about Botham in 1981 and the fact i wasn't alive, cos i got to see Freddie Flintoff in all his glory in 2005. Ha!

That was all a bit emotional for a first post. I do apologise.